yo yo homies
well its been forever and a day since i have been on here. internet is no longer alive at my apt. i think  i may be the only person in america without the internet. well things are going pretty good. i went and talked to my doctor. I have obsessive compulsive disorder , depression, and paranoid tendencies. uh yeah i guess that means i'm crazy. i've been on meds for a few months now and things have finally calmed down a bit. i still vaccum hella late at nite but other than that i am doing much better. more positive and motivated. its fucking weird. I lost 35 lbs to now be at 196 which is hella good. i walk 2 miles 7 days a week. its my new obsession.
still not dating...going out and drinking quite a bit and flirting with lots of cute boys. still haven't gotten laid but soon i hope. lol
more later
until then
peace

Ok, so this has to be the most fucked up WEEK in my life...so far at least.

So Liz left for New York a few days ago to visit with her man, Nate. He came home from Iraq for 2 weeks leave and then he has to go back so he flew her to N.Y. so they can stay with his family and spend time up there instead of La Hell. I knew that once she left life would suck. Ok Ok so yes she pisses me off. Its because we are both stubborn feminist that can't ever back down and yes she can be a bitch but damnit I never have to worry about her fucking me over. She would never talk badly about me..she would never spread my business everywhere..shes just cranky sometimes. She and Nate were fighting quite a bit but things have finally gotten good.
My car..is dead. It died on Nautis birthday party. Did I mention that. It was Jan.20th and my car just died in my friends apts. Then we catch a ride from another friend and have my sons party. No one brought him a gift. No one sang Happy Birthday. It sucked. So then liz left 2 days later. I have no car and must bum rides from the mum. Then Jeremy came down. He had the nerve to lie to me about Nautis peeing in the potty. Hes fucking a manic. He made some excuse on why he had to leave and he just left. He did buy some groceries so I guess that is good. Although earlier he swore he had no money to his name. So then everyone is pissing me off and my boss takes a vacation. This traveling manager comes in. Arrogant and cocky..hes a man working with all women for christs sake. But hes kinda nice about it and the fact that I know more about the job than he does kinda put him in his place. I then went to the mall with Dawn to get my ring checked out. I don't know why but by the end of the trip she became a total mean bitch. Normally I would have told her to fuck off but alas she was my ride. I decided to play it safe but shes still acting like a bitch. I am not the greatest friend in the world but damnit I don't treat people like crap. And through all my drama..my dad and mom are constantly on my case. I am getting a new car soon so everyones emotions are just on triple high. I want to drink and smoke some pot or something.I wish Liz was here to help out with the rides or something..Its lonely.
Well i guess that is my update.
Oh shit i forgot to mention..i am cuting the internet off. I am trying to cut back due to the new car that is coming. But I will still be updating..just not very often..

Until next time kiddies
Love
Susan

Whenever I watch a really good movie that moves my soul, It makes me think about my life. I look back tonight at High School. I had alot of memories flood into my brain. I don't know why it happened but it just did. I regret being so quiet and angry. I regret giving a fuck what people thought. I regret letting the homecoming queen and cheerleaders make me feel like a dork. I enjoy who I am today. Most of the time anyways. But what if people don't see me for who I am.
I am sick of the world judging on appearances. I can honestly say I never do. The inner beautfy will always outshine the "flaws" that someone might have. But am I the only person that feels that way? You watch MTV or VH1 and everything is about beauty and money..its sick. Its disgusting how society can make me feel sometime. I am guilty of being brainwashed at times. I hate myself for it.
I long for the day that someone will be able to look into my soul and love me for the flaws I may have. Its a sad feeling but I am afraid that most of the world is poisoned already. I just want someone strong enough to see through that all...

Goodnite
Faerie dreams
Susan

Ok so its now 2:05 am and I just got my house cleaned. I can't help it. I am a night cleaner. Its kinda my end of the day relax but it doesn't exactly relax me. Nautis was such a pain in the ass today. He just wanted too much from me and I didn't really have anything to give. I could have slept most of the day today if I could. But I did on most extent. Liz came over tonight. We got in our usual fueds. I think shes a hypocrite controlling bitch sometimes. She hates pop people. She likes punk people. Why can't you hate some songs but like others for their artistic and musical creativity? She hates judging but she is always judging. I say the sky is blue..she says its more greenish than blue. Its a constant criticising battle. I call jeremy she says I am wrong. I am a grown adult. don't give me advice on how to handle life with my ex husband. How could you possibly understand. I am shallow. Weight isn't everything but when you are skinny and pretty don't argue with me on how my feelings are stupid. She says I was being rude tonight when I left the room to call "R" back. ( R is the name I gave my mystery man..calling him "him" was getting weird)
I didn't realize I had to be a hostess. She was reading a magazine. I didn't ask her to leave. I just had to call R back. WTF is the big fucking deal. Its weird to me. She always has to be so defensive. Things are changing with her. I can sense something weird is going on. I don't know what exactly but something is going to happen. Its weird. Another psychic feeling I guess.
Tomorrow is my all day work day. 12 hours is going to kill me. Its just not in me.
Goodnite all
Susan

Hello there...today has been a lazy and uneventful day. I have been so tired. And of course the hangover doesn't help.
Liz came over last nite. We drank a whole bottle of crown and coke, played UNO and watched movies. It was hillarious. For some weird reason there was sexual tension. I don't know where it came from. I think we are both horn balls when we are drunk. It was just plain ol weird.
I woke up feeling sick..I neglected my child today. I of course feed him and took care of him..i just kept dozing off all day. I feel bad when that happens. SO i vow to sleep at no later than 11:30pm.
I talked to Jeremy. Breifly. And he acted very dramatic like he had a good excuse but couldn't talk right then. Which that translates to the fact he hasn't thought up a good excuse yet. I told him to never talk to me again. And I think I honestly meant that. I don't know why he still bothers me and sits in my head. I think I really need a good long vacation from him. I just dont' have the time to get over him. Hes always around or on the phone.

my house is a wreck..I look like shit today. Going to take a nice long shower and clean up...
Have a wonderful day all

Night lifts up the shades let in the brilliant light of morning
But steady me now for I am weak and starving for mercy
Sleep has left me alone to carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong
And all I can do to hang on, to keep me from falling into old familiar shoes

How stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

Love has made me a fool set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak except to cry out and wait for your answer
and you come around in your time speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis that dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning in this desert without you

How stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

everything changes everything falls apart
I can't stand to feel myself losing control
In the deep of my weakness I know

I am intoxicated right now. Understand I am not much of a drinker. But ever since New Years I have had at least 2 glasses of crown and coke. Half and half. I am enjoying myself more and more and its scaring me. I can normally handle addictions like so..but I guess that is a dumb excuse. Still smoke free..A lady brought some shoes back today and they reaked of cigarette smoke. I thought it was kool that I could actually notice. Good thing for me. I feel good but not great.
Liz came over and being bitchy as hell. Jeremy promised he would show up. I went and bought stuff to make enchiladas which is now the one thing I know how to cook. He then called at 9:50pm and said he fell asleep and that he was leaving and he'd call once he was on the road. No call and I have a feeling this is another one of his many lies. I am mad for always believing him. I hate that. I guess that it would be considered a good quality to belive in people or am I mixing that up with ignorance. Gullible. Stupidity. I don't know but I feel all those things. Hurt. I am so lonely. I am dying to touch someone. I don't know why but its intense lately. I don't want to feel this way but I can't help it. My new bedroom set doesn't help. For some reason its so sexy. Its grown up. Its classic and comfortable. And its simple. And it makes me horney just laying in the bed.
I got the new Sarah Mclaughlin CD..Its beautiful btw
I talked to "him" breifly today. He is very busy with his business so I rarely talk to him anymore except for the late nite phone conversations. I don't know how I feel romantically but I think he could be my best friend. I need a spark. I hate feeling this way right now. Its the alcohol or i don't know.
I was baby free last nite. My title for the nites I am free of child. We decided not to go to Las Mas but went to Walmart to get my crown and coke. I ran into a old friend..whom I almost had sex with..and he just called me over and handed me a valum. I know I quit drugs but I am saving it for a rainy day damnit. That is the first time that has happened in a long time LOL and coincidently "he" was fucked up on valums the same nite. Weird.
I have to work tomorrow..I don't feel like it. I am so tired of that place. I want to get a new job but I am not sure that is in my cards. This place fucking sucks...
Ok
must chill
Gnite
*+:*+:me

Its almost 2:45 am and I can not sleep. This is rare but I have alot of stupid shit on my mind. Wednesday I worked a 12 hr work day. It just so happens that the shoplifter I have previously written about came into my store. And on top of that wearing the same shoes he swiped from me. And to be honest I had a hint of doubt that it was him. It was this little "what if it is not him" thought in my mind. Reality now tells me "duh" would be the answer to that. I confronted him and he denied it. I was shaking and really didn't know how to react. I went stupid and scared. I rang him up for some shoes after I told him to shut up and I wasn't going to listen to this shit. but i did. and he left. and i smoked a cigarrette. Ever since then I replay what happened. I am stupid for not calling the cops. But on the other hand I didn't want to get involved. It sucks because people in this small ass stupid country town are GHETTO and they steal. It pisses me off so much. I got broken into when I moved here. Those trash ass people went through my belongings. And it makes me sick. And it has made me sick ever since that day. So now I am so personally hurt and damaged by theft that I feel like they are fucking me over. I see those theives in the small ass walmart too. ITs kinda scary. I mean they could find out where I live so easiliy. Half of me thinks that I should just not give a shit. Its not like The Shoe Dept gives a shit about me. But the other half feels like I am just doing the crap thing and not caring. I am torn. And I am pissed off. I feel like someone ran me over and that is not the feeling I enjoy. I haven't told anyone about what happened except of course for the people that were there that witnessed the whole thing. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to get into it. And I have to say, this is the first time that I shut my mouth and didn't feel like gabbing to friends. Its a weird feeling I must say.
Bianca came and went for the weekend. How she is so lovely but can make me feel so insecure. No mater what she says or tries she can't understand how I feel. She is lovely and I am not. I talked to "him" today. He is starting his own business and I am happy for him. Although he is the best company I don't know if I see a romantic connection. I have been dealing with demons and I am not sure I am good enough for anyone. I am stuck with the thought he won't be interested in me. I need someone to kiss me. I need touch desperately. It would help if I can get someone to finger me too. something damnit. I am in need. It has been so long and I think that is why I have been eating too much and feeling crazy. Aside from quiting smoking of course. I need love and so badly I hate to say. I think loneliness has finally taken its toll on me. I must get new perscription to zoloft.

LSU just WHOOPED Oklahomas ass tonight in the sugarbowl!! I can't help but to be a LSU fan. Its my families team...

Life is decent. I wanted to go to a football party but alas the baby keeps me in. I wish I could do things more often. I really really miss having a life. It seems that I am always the one on the outside of fun.
My friend Hunter came by my apt tonight. He and I used to date a little in high school. Really cute guy. When I moved back here..i ran into him. Hes got quite a bit of baggage but all in all a really nice guy. We hung out alot but we never really took the next step together. Hes sweet but hes kinda stupid. I know that sounds harsh but he really is. I dunno. He came by my apt tonioght. I had to kik him out. I hate the kind of people that come around only when they need to talk. Its lame.

"He" just called. I haven't talked to him in a long time..ok well 2 days to be exact. But last nite was the first nite we haven't talked and I honestly felt empty. Ha Ha its just like cigarettes. BTW did I mention I quit smoking last year..lol um ok its been a week but technically last year so I am doing really really well. I want to smoke so bad but I am being a good girl.

Well..enough rambling for now..Will update later...
Love
Susan

Well. today is a sad day in my life. But yet also a happy day. Nautis, my 2 yr old is getting his first big boy bed. Now, he hasn't slept in his crib in a very very long time. Mainly because he sleeps with me...but still..having his own big boy bed is a huge step in our lives. We have come such a long way he and I. I remember when he was first born. I made myself cry. I really didn't know why but that is just the thing that I thought new parents were supposed to do. I didn't want to see him. I was so scared. And when I did..I was afraid everything I did was wrong. He wouldn't shut up..He pooped all over me..and he woke me up all the time..and his hair looked like a permanent wave from an ocean..and those were the happiest days to me. We were a family then. Shortly after..it was split apart. I had to find my own way. and this time..with a 5 mnth old. I think the hardest part was figuring him out. Even since he was born..I had a short time with him and then the babysitter would love him. I didn't know how to love him. I gave birth to my childhood. and now I didn't know what it was like to feel that way anymore. Now today..I am older, wiser, and a little bit more tired..I love him more than my own breath. He is beautiful and no matter how down I may feel about myself..I can smile to the thought that some of that beauty came from a beautiful me.

I also felt that it was appropriate in a day of change to give you a more depth explanation into who the "mystery man" as a fellow blogger and friend likes to refer to him, is.
It was weird but I get an email from someone with a familiar name wanting to chat. lol its weird how that goes. But I went to High School with him. From a popular family and a bit of a *cough* asshole *cough* attitude I didn't play with him.
But of course I am a nice girl so I respond and we talk. That one response turned into many and many and then into IMs and now its my heroin. We have become such great friends! I find myself more and more attracted everyday and not by simple conversations but the way he speaks to me. Its about respect and pure admiration. Not by "hey whatcha look like".
Still I feel really insecure. Dinner is supposed to be in the mix soon and I am nervous. How does a fat girl eat in front of a 160 lb guy?? LOL I need some advice and hurry!! I know I sound like a dork. But I don't date much. And thats an understatment. I just found someone I really have alot in common with and I hope to god that this isn't another joke. lol I have seem to stumble upon alot of those
I hope this has cleared things up. BTW I really pissed jeremy off today. I dont know how i did it so fast and so calmly but I did. I guess today was really a good day :)
Good nite to all
Love
Susan